2004-06-25 - 9:09 p.m.

I have started having sad thoughts. The more physically frustrated I become, the more I start thinking about the unfairness of the situation. In his latest e-mail, AM said that "not having sex was a great idea, because it holds me to that first pure buzz of love."

He gets wound up when he's in my presence. And when he's not, I picture him going back to his wife to "unwind". I think about him kissing her in the morning and then kissing me later in the day. Does he kiss her the way he kisses me? The image is sickening. A kiss suddenly loses its significance.

There is something hard-to-get-ish about this that's being played out like a game. Even though I know that we are both too mature to deal with games, it feels unfair and I don't deserve this kind of treatment.

But I'm stuck, or too weakened to want to stop the small good part that keeps me coming back for more. His love is a drug.

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